Healthy self-esteem, sober analysis of actions, thoughts and desires, constructive criticism and self-criticism are integral elements of personality development and self-knowledge. But what to do when self-criticism becomes excessive, interferes with work, love? Let’s talk about this.
What is self-criticism and self-criticism
Self-criticism is a research, analytical attitude of a person to himself, a reflexive assessment of actions, thinking and their results, the search for and recognition of his own mistakes. Self-criticism is a character trait.
Self-criticism is closely related to self-esteem:
- If the latter is underestimated, then the person constantly considers himself unworthy, bad, guilty of all the world’s troubles.
- If self-esteem is overestimated, then the person does not know how to admit mistakes, avoids responsibility, considers himself the best.
- And only adequate self-esteem provides adequate self-criticism.
Objective and subjective criticism
Objective criticism is an assessment of the facts. Subjective criticism is an attitude based on the feelings and emotions of a person.
In a broad sense, an objective assessment can be represented as an understanding of a certain character trait, and a subjective assessment as a general assessment of a personality based on just one trait. What it means: I’m forgetful, but that doesn’t make me an incompetent employee or a bad friend, I can jot down important details. Or: I am quick-tempered, but I know how to maintain composure, which makes me a good person.
Objective criticism usually gives accurate data, contains almost no assessment. Subjective criticism is more often evaluative in nature “good – bad”. For example, a person considers himself pathetic, worthless. But if he looks exclusively at the facts, he will see that he has made good progress in the career ladder, motivates friends, and in general is much happier than others. Where did the attitude of worthlessness come from in the first place? This is a belief that was once someone’s subjective criticism.
Parents’ exactingness, inadequate censure, punishment, humiliation, insults, lack of praise give rise to an attitude of worthlessness and serve as a prerequisite for excessive self-criticism. In adulthood, such people do not give themselves the right to make mistakes. And our goal is to learn how to turn any subjective (personal) opinion into an adequate objective assessment (criticism).
Is this good or bad
Self-criticism is harmful when it turns into self-criticism, self-examination.
- One of the reasons for this behavior is the ambivalence of feelings, motives, emotions. When a person himself does not clearly know what he wants, he often comes into conflict with himself. Then constant self-reflection and self-criticism become a way of life.
- Self-criticism is based on internal motives, beliefs, values, principles, and goals of the individual. But if the person himself is not determined in life, then other people’s systems of beliefs and values become reference points. This is the second reason for excessive self-criticism.
- The third reason is the lack of personal boundaries. If an individual does not understand where his responsibility is, and where is the fault of another person, what he can control, and over what he is powerless, then all failures, difficulties, problems will be attributed to his own account.
Excessive self-criticism suppresses independence and initiative. The more a person is convinced that he will not succeed again, the more fears appear and the less desire to try something.
Self-esteem decreases even more due to constant censure. Along with this, feelings of guilt and shame arise. They become chronic, and later transform into depression, neuroses, and disorders.
How to get rid of excessive self-criticism
Stupid, unattractive, stupid – children who have grown up in unfavorable conditions continue to stigmatize themselves. Our psyche is designed in such a way that in the external environment we find confirmation of what we believe in. So people with complexes do not just criticize themselves, but find a completely adequate explanation for their assessment.
Everyone has positive and negative qualities, makes mistakes and wins. Seeing your flaws is also important, but you shouldn’t forget about the positive side. This is where the work to get rid of excessive self-criticism begins.
Stick to the following plan:
- Ask a good friend to write your profile. Have an independent person write down your strengths, weaknesses, strengths, and weaknesses. You can try to do it yourself, but, perhaps, due to still negative thinking, it will not work the first time.
- Give yourself permission to acknowledge successes, to praise yourself. Perhaps in childhood you were scolded, your success was not noticed, and an adequate demonstration of achievements was called bragging. Understand that you can and should be proud of yourself. Allow yourself to step back from the parent scenario.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Sometimes we forget that people have different abilities, capabilities, properties of the psyche and temperament. It makes no sense to blame the phlegmatic for the slowness or ask the choleric to perform monotonous work with high quality and for a long time. It will be very difficult for both of them to accomplish this. Learn to focus only on yourself, understand your own characteristics and use them to their advantage. Don’t demand the impossible, then you won’t have to blame yourself.
- Analyze what images and associations arise at the moment of self-criticism, feelings of discomfort due to another failure. Your subconscious mind probably tells you where to look for the roots of a bad habit. Who do you think about, who do you remember, whose voice do you hear?
- Now think, was the assessment of this person objective? Or he just took out his negativity on you. It is possible that your self-criticism is the result of someone’s envy, resentment, anger. It is even more likely that these feelings were directed in the wrong direction, just that you were in the wrong place.
- Do not forget to analyze the basis of thoughts: facts or speculation. Biased assessment is the result of the work of imagination, invention, sensations. Always ask: is it so or does it seem to me, I think so?
The most difficult thing in work is to notice manifestations of self-criticism, to learn how to isolate negative attitudes. Keeping a journal will help with this. During the month, schedule each critical situation according to the following plan:
- what’s happened;
- what I said to myself (self-criticism);
- what emotions and feelings I experienced;
- what I did next.
Treat it like a table, compare records regularly. You will soon notice that stressful situations and the outcome of self-flagellation are similar, which means that the struggle will be easier than you think. You will also notice how negative thoughts destroy you, cause negative experiences, constrain actions, or force you to act in a way that is completely unhelpful for you.
When the problem becomes apparent, complete the tables. Enter the item “alternative assessment of the situation” and “result of the new assessment”. Look at each situation from a different angle, understand that you could not foresee any events or that something was beyond your competence. Then evaluate your emotions, feelings and state in the alternative perception. What will you do in this situation? Are these results better for you, are they more useful?
Remember that there are no right or wrong choices in tables. You are simply describing yourself, your thoughts, your life. Don’t worry if it becomes difficult to find alternatives at first. You learn to look at the situation differently, not to perceive yourself one-sidedly, to find explanations, excuses, to emphasize your strengths. It will take several weeks, if not months. But then you will automatically, without notes, analyze each difficult situation in this way, and at the same time see your objective role in it.
Example: You decide to make a soup using a new recipe. The result upset you, the dish went to the trash. But you did everything strictly according to the recipe, calculated every gram of spices, spent half a day looking for these ingredients. Then a logical question arises: are you a crooked chef or someone has made the wrong recipe? Most likely the second. Could you suspect that the recipe was misspelled? No. Could you read the reviews? Yes. They weren’t there? Then you are definitely not to blame. There was a bug in the reviews, but you didn’t notice it? An unpleasant moment. But you can remember this and make a delicious soup next time.
Excessive self-criticism turns into self-deprecation. It is imperative to get rid of this. Conduct a written analysis of every situation where you feel worthless. Soon you will notice the destructiveness of such thinking, and then, on a conscious level, you will choose a plan for changing it.
