Perfectionism, or the pursuit of the ideal, is not just a character trait. This is an obsessive belief that prevents a person from developing, getting pleasure from life. An even greater paralyzing and disorganizing effect is exerted by a kind of perfectionism – the desire and desire to be better than everyone else, in everything first. Let’s talk about this.
Is it ok
The desire to be the best is normal, if it does not interfere with life, does not drive into depression, does not isolate a person.
Signs of a pathological craving for leadership:
- constant dissatisfaction with oneself, even if successful and recognized by society;
- fear of not coping with the task or doing it in a poor way, as a result – a feeling of shame and guilt;
- concentration on shortcomings, ignorance of personal merits.
If you generally assess yourself in a negative way, and the desire to be the best is caused by a passing desire to awaken the envy of others or to prove your worth to them, to deserve the recognition of the majority, then this is a pathological desire. If you want to become the best, but at the same time adequately assess your capabilities, react appropriately to failures, and generally feel good, then the desire cannot be called pathological.
Ask yourself if this is interfering with your life. If not, then I don’t see the problem. Set adequate goals, look for strength in yourself, think over a plan and become a successful person. If it interferes, read our tips.
The origins of the desire to be the best
Healthy competition promotes personal development. All modern life is imbued with a competitive spirit: to lag behind the times, to lose a job, to stumble upon a misunderstanding of others is easy if you do not periodically glance at the actions of other people.
Whether we like it or not, we periodically compare ourselves to others. The difference is that some people occasionally glance at others and compare them with people of their “weight category”, while other individuals try to be the best in any business, and as a result are so busy with other people’s destinies that they forget about their own. If the comparison does not satisfy, which is more often the case, then self-esteem falls rapidly, an inferiority complex arises, a conviction of one’s own worthlessness.
In general, the desire to be the best in everything, the first is destructive for a person. This is an unhealthy pursuit. What causes it:
- Narcissism, egocentrism, god complex. Provided that the desire to be the best is combined with the method “at any cost”.
- Education in conditions of increased moral responsibility, lack of parental love. All parents want to be proud of their child, but some families go too far in this, forget about the personality and personality of the offspring.
- Hyper-care, upbringing as a “family idol”. Excessive admiration for the child, the belief in his genius, superiority forms the traits of narcissism and egoism. Growing up, a child cannot get rid of the belief that everyone should worship him and consider him the best. True, in this case, the desire to be the first is rarely combined with adequate ambitions, real actions and a lot of work. Usually such people want success to come into their own hands. Due to a collision with a harsh reality, they become depressed, irritated, and complex.
- Parents’ expectations. Some moms and dads want to see in the child not just an extension of themselves, but their improved copy. They force children to do what they themselves could not do. It doesn’t matter if the child himself likes it. But to please mom and dad for him is priceless, especially for this they love him, praise him, they are proud of him. The kid grows up, but the conviction “they love me for my achievements, successes, primacy” remains.
- Suggestibility, dependence on other people’s opinions, following stereotypes as a consequence of the previous reason.
- Fear of failure, inability to lose, to admit defeat, to be wrong. The roots of the problem are demanding and anxious or overprotective parents.
A person striving to be the best lives for other people. He does not know himself, he does not have a clear plan for life. Therefore, it is sprayed on everything, hoping that someone will say “I am proud of you, I love you.” Wanting to be the best at everything is a form of overcompensation. This is the psyche’s response to unprocessed childhood traumas, an inner belief in inferiority.
How to get rid of the desire to be the best
A person who wants to be the best subconsciously considers himself the worst. He is afraid that he will be replaced, pushed away, left. In his view, the only chance to earn love, recognition is to satisfy the needs of others, to follow their expectations.
To get rid of this desire, you need:
- Understand your needs, desires, interests and abilities. The multivariate questionnaire of R.B. Kettell or another method of studying personality will help to do this. Also, think about it yourself, make a written analysis of what you want and can do.
- Refuse to compare. If possible, remove yourself from social networks or stop viewing other users’ pages. The Internet is a major source of self-reproach and self-deprecation due to the success of others. People post what they want to show on social networks. As a rule, they demonstrate the positive side of life, and often also embellish it or even throw dust in their eyes. I recommend reading the article “Likes as a Factor of Self-Esteem”.
- Praise yourself every day. Master auto-training. There will be no desire to beg for respect, praise and love from others if you give it to yourself.
- Keep a diary of victories and observations. From now on, you are only comparing yourself to yourself. Record all changes, successes and failures, analyze your actions and their consequences.
- Determine the goal of life and the goal for the near future. Do you know where you are going or are you just going with the flow? Choose an area that suits your abilities and desires, focus on being the best at one thing. But remember to learn to accept failure.
- Allow yourself to fail, make mistakes, become imperfect. Games like chess teach you how to accept defeat – compete with your friends. Failure is an integral part of life. You cannot reproach yourself for mistakes, you need to analyze them, draw conclusions and correct your actions.
- Realize and accept your positive qualities. You are valuable a priori. Your importance and worth does not depend on someone else’s opinion. Learn to rely on yourself and those around you.
- Understand that every person is unique from birth. The combination of properties of the psyche, temperament, characteristics of nervous processes, inclinations is never repeated. Therefore, you cannot be the best in everything – each person has strengths and weaknesses, personal inclinations.
Deep self-knowledge, self-respect, and self-acceptance are the keys to letting go of the desire to be the best. Yes, much can be achieved through work. For example, everyone can learn to play a musical instrument, but not everyone has an ear for music, long fingers for playing the piano, or the creative mind that allows you to create new compositions. Greater success awaits those in whom natural mental and physical inclinations, love for work, and the desire to play a musical instrument are combined. Believe me, and you have something of your own, you just need to find this direction.
Epilogue
With a certain combination of temperament, abilities, mental properties and character traits, a person can really become the best in many areas. But the insidiousness of the pathological desire to be the best is that a person will never be satisfied with his success. He will always be sure what could have been done even better, or that he was just lucky or helped, etc. This is a feature of the mentality.
If this interferes with your life, but you cannot cope with the problem on your own, be sure to consult a psychologist. It will help you find exactly your deepest reasons for out of control perfectionism.
Psychologist Alfred Adler studied in detail the problem of the inferiority complex, hypercompensation and the desire for superiority. Watch a video that discusses the causes and consequences of wanting to be the best as part of Adler’s theory.
