Shyness is a character trait that hinders personal growth and success. Shyness is often equated with shyness. In fact, there is a line between them, albeit a thin one. Shyness is a tendency of the personality, that is, a person is afraid of everything unfamiliar, and even familiar too. A shy person experiences shame and shyness in certain conditions, situations. Of course, this border is very arbitrary and blurred.
The essence and causes of shyness
From birth, all children openly express their emotions and feelings, needs, but social experience does its part. Sometimes the situation is unfavorable for the child, he becomes shy.
Shyness as a character trait is formed, as a rule, in childhood. The foundations of character are laid by family and school. Low self-esteem affects shyness the most. Low self-esteem in a child can occur with an incorrect pedagogical position of the teacher and a destructive style of family education:
- reproaches, insults, criticism, comparison with other children;
- high unbearable requirements;
- punishment and humiliation;
- public ridicule or punishment;
- emotional detachment;
- suppression of the initiative.
These characteristics are inherent in the largely authoritarian parenting style, but some elements are found in others. With constant exposure to such conditions, the child’s self-esteem inevitably falls. Against this background, then shyness arises, which is based on fears:
- to be rejected;
- to be punished;
- make a mistake;
- to be ridiculed;
- be misunderstood.
The situation is aggravated when destructive parenting is superimposed on innate characteristics. For example, impressionable people tend to be more shy. They experience setbacks and emotional upheavals sharper and longer.
The child grows, along with him, without corrective work, the number and scale of fears grows: fear of dismissal, loss of money, loneliness, failure, wrong decisions, their own desires and thoughts. In turn, because of this, initiative, activity, responsibility, decisiveness go away. A person prefers to remain silent, surrender, retreat, yield. Problems arise in love, employment or career advancement, friendship, communication.
If it were not for fears, suspiciousness and shyness, then there would be many times more successful and happy people. But I have good news: shyness can be dealt with. This must be done, since shyness does not allow a person to self-actualize and take place in life.
How to get rid of shyness
First of all, you need to learn that our goal is to transform shyness into adequate and appropriate modesty, tact, politeness. In addition, it is important not to go to the other extreme – arrogance, lack of principle, obsession.
If shyness makes itself felt locally, that is, in specific circumstances, then it is this area that needs to be worked out. For example, shyness at general labor meetings or when meeting girls, or in a group of new acquaintances. Or shyness from compliments, kind attitude, help (because a person is familiar only with the opposite phenomena). For a particular case, accordingly, the recommendations will be private.
In general, any situation requires private consideration, since it is necessary to start from the root of the problem – internal barriers from childhood. I recommend contacting a specialist for this.
Well, in the form of emergency medical care and an affordable alternative, you can try the following:
- Try to find and analyze the root cause yourself. Look at the situation from the perspective of all participants, evaluate the actions of each person with an adult look. Think about whether you have any reason to really consider yourself unworthy, weak. Or someone inspired it to you. Think about why the other participant in the situation did exactly that, what can you say about him. Shouldn’t you feel sorry for him, praise yourself and let go of the situation?
- Children tend to perceive criticism and any events more emotionally and sharply than adults. Think, was the situation really so critical? At the same time, think about what role this particular person and situation plays in your current life? Is he even in it? If not, then why allow a complete stranger to take your life, criticize, evaluate? This is just an outside observer.
- After theory, move on to practice. Build your self-confidence. How to do it? To do what you are afraid of, what you did not dare to do. Write down all the beliefs that rule you on paper. For example, shy people like to say “I can’t do anything,” “I can’t draw,” “I can’t perform in public,” “Oh no, it’s too risky for me.” Start coming out of your shell by completing each of the points written down in stages. Realize that your self-discrediting is a habit and a result of suggestion. In fact, you are the most talented and unique person, just someone understood this before you and, out of envy, instilled in you the opposite, affirming at your expense. Try it (for the first time or again)!
- After all, what’s stopping you from trying something on your own? Take your time, you do not need to immediately expose yourself to the viewer. Get to know and make friends with yourself, because you do not know your true self at all. You are guided by someone’s (clearly outdated and inadequate) assessment, an idea of you. Make up your idea, engage in self-knowledge.
- Keep a diary. It is always useful to write down your thoughts, especially at the moment of transformation. Record each or the most significant stages in your opinion. Make diagrams, comparison tables. Be sure to record personal successes.
- Use auto-training daily. Form phrases for self-hypnosis that are relevant in your case. For example, “I draw beautifully”, “I am a great speaker”, “I easily meet girls.”
- “What will people say (think)” is another reason for shyness generated by other people’s fears and imposed stereotypes. People will always find something to say. Pick your line and follow it. You cannot please and please everyone. This is normal and needs to be understood. Write a description of the person you would like to interact with. This is the image you should strive for. What do you already have in common with him, and what needs to be worked on? Make a plan to achieve this look. It is very important that you like yourself, then there will be like-minded people, opponents (where without them), and neutral parties. There is no need to be afraid of this and try to avoid it.
- If it’s still difficult, then try to imagine the positive reactions of people. For some reason, very often the thought “What will people think?” has a negative connotation. But it is precisely the idea of the reaction of people that inhibits a person long before the reactions themselves.
- Learn to communicate with people: smile, compliment, greet. Sometimes shyness doesn’t even let you say “thank you”. Speak. Let the shyness be visible, but it is much nicer and sweeter than silence. It is perceived by the interlocutors as anger, arrogance, arrogance, rudeness, unwillingness to contact.
- Declare directly about your desires to those close to you: “I want to overcome my shyness. It will probably be difficult for me, but I will try. And I will be pleased to receive your support and understanding. “
- Watch your appearance: posture, gaze, voice. Exercise near the mirror.
- Oppression is often accompanied by psychophysiological reactions (sweating, redness). Learn self-regulation techniques to control these conditions. And remember: no focus on the problem. The more you think about yourself blushing, the more you blush.
- Get rid of perfectionism. Often people are embarrassed to do something out of fear that it will not work out perfectly. But there is no ideal in the world at all. Let yourself be imperfect.
- Focus on successes, not failures. Develop creative and positive thinking.
- Adjust your self-esteem and love yourself.
In some cases, shyness is caused by hormonal imbalance, mental pathologies, hyperthymic accentuations. In this case, psychotherapy or consultations with a psychologist are complemented by medication.
Changing habits, and even more so character traits, is always difficult. This is a long and difficult path in which your desire is the main element. Without it, not a single piece of advice, not a single psychologist will help. Either you are ready to get rid of shyness and deal with internal barriers, to be active, or you continue to live, constricting yourself in society and your own life. You are a worthy person who needs optimal, free, and not cramped living conditions.
I recommend finding Leila Lowndes’ book Farewell to Shyness! 85 Ways to Overcome Shyness and Build Self-Confidence. It is freely available on the Internet. The book details the causes and manifestations of shyness. Practical recommendations are given both for living within the framework of shyness (until you overcome it), and for dealing with it.
