Every day we have to contact a large number of people. At work, in a store, on public transport, and just on the street, we come across not only acquaintances, but also completely strangers. Have you noticed how annoying it is when a stranger is too close? And what if there are a lot of such people, for example, in the elevator, in the queue at the checkout, in the subway? Then irritation can develop into barely restrained aggression. This is how we react to the violation of our personal space – the zone where only the closest people are allowed, and even then not always.
Personal space and communication distances
Defending one’s own territory is a natural behavior of any representative of the animal world. There is such a need for a person. However, our dependence on social interaction, on communication with other people and the very nature of existence make a person to be more tolerant. In addition, our social relations are more complex than those of animals, and the people around us are not divided exclusively into their own and others, close relatives and enemies. Therefore, in communication, it is common for a person to observe different distances.
What are communication distances
In the late 60s of the last century, psychologist Edward Hall (USA) developed the theory of communication distances. The laws that determine the location of individuals in the process of interaction, he combined into a section of social psychology, which he called proxemics – in translation from English, proximity means “proximity”.
Depending on the communication situation, E. Hall identified 4 distances:
- Intimate – up to 50 cm.
- Personal – 50 cm – 1.5 m.
- Social (business) – 1.5-3.5 m.
- Public – 3.5-7.5 m.
Intimate distance is characteristic only for the closest communication, it is not for nothing that it is called that. Personal distance is intended for friends, close relatives and conditionally coincides with personal space, although its size depends on many factors, so in reality it can be both larger and smaller. Social distance is a space for business communication at different levels, and public distance is the distance people choose for open speeches, for example, giving lectures at a university or giving a speech at a rally.
The value of personal space for a person
For us, personal space is a comfort zone, the violation of which by an outsider is regarded as a manifestation of disrespect, if not a threat. Personal space begins to form in childhood, therefore it is so important that the child has his own corner where he can not only play, but also be alone with himself. Often, negativism, and even open hostility of adolescents is explained by the fact that adults, especially parents, shamelessly and at any time invade their personal space.
The ability to be alone plays an important role in the correct formation of the personality. Feeling secure in your comfort zone is also a prerequisite for a person’s peace of mind.
What determines the size of personal space
The comfort zone associated with personal space differs from person to person, and its size depends on several factors:
- From the individual psychological characteristics of the personality. Choleric people have less personal space than phlegmatic people, and they willingly violate the boundaries of the intimate zone of another person. Not only phlegmatic people, but also introverts in general, on the contrary, sacredly honor the right of others to personal space, but they themselves react negatively to violation of their own.
- From the degree of confidence and self-esteem of a person. People with low self-esteem are not confident in themselves or in their interlocutor, so they try to stay away from him. Sometimes they even step back during the conversation, thereby increasing the distance. An attempt to violate their personal space can provoke aggression. On the other hand, people with high self-esteem tend to violate the personal space of the interlocutor, while simultaneously reducing their own.
- From the peculiarities of upbringing and the conditions of growing up. Children without siblings have more personal space than those who grew up in a large family. Those who had their own room in childhood, growing up, will more zealously protect their personal space than children who grew up in cramped conditions. And in general, respect for the personal space of other people and for your own is laid in the process of education and largely depends on the behavior of parents, which is a role model.
- From the peculiarities of the national character. Depending on these features, peoples are divided into contact and non-contact. Many temperamental southern ethnic groups, such as Latin Americans, Italians, and representatives of the South Caucasus, are referred to as contact ones. When communicating, they are located close to the interlocutor and often touch him. Non-contact peoples, which include the inhabitants of Northern Europe, on the contrary, have a fairly large personal space and avoid tactile contacts with the interlocutor.
The size of personal space is also influenced by cultural and religious traditions. For example, in general, temperamental Indians prefer to keep their distance from their communication partner and not allow touching. The same can be said about the Japanese.
Reasons for violation of personal space
Reducing the communication distance and intrusion into the intimate zone causes a negative reaction in people. Therefore, such behavior should be avoided – do not allow patting on the shoulder, touching, especially on the head and face. Do not get too close to an unfamiliar person, this will provoke a negative reaction of rejection. You can dislike the person, and it will be difficult to establish a normal relationship with him later.
It is believed that residents of large cities are more relaxed about violating their personal space than those who live in small towns and villages. But this is not entirely true. Yes, residents of megalopolises are more accustomed to crowding and excessively close contact with strangers in transport, in an elevator, in queues. But more often than not, this tolerance is only external. People simply restrain negativity, not allowing aggression to break out – the natural defense of personal space. This increases the danger of stress, the development of neuroses and other unpleasant consequences of restraining natural mental reactions.
The conditions of existence in big cities force one to come to terms with many inconveniences, but the violation of personal space can also be deliberate, deliberate. I think each of us found ourselves in such a situation when the interlocutor seemed to hang over him, come close, literally causing a tremor of irritation and confusion. In these conditions, a person can lose the thread of a conversation, lose the lightness of thought, and even common sense. The desire to get rid of the psychological pressure of the interlocutor who has violated the personal space leads to hasty, thoughtless decisions. A person agrees to what he would not agree to otherwise. Sound familiar?
There are two main reasons why a person deliberately violates the personal space of their communication partner.
- The desire to manipulate a partner, subjugate him, make him do what is beneficial to the manipulator. But you need to pay attention to the fact that the person who exerts pressure is exposed to the same danger, because he also opens his personal space. In such a situation, a stronger psychologically and more self-confident person wins, and it will not necessarily be the initiator of the invasion.
- The desire for intimacy in a situation where the partner is pleasant, including at the physiological level. Reducing the communication distance is a kind of demonstration of intentions and a subconscious desire to influence a partner with the help of olfactory agents (pheromones – the characteristic smell of sexual arousal). If the partner, in response to reducing the distance, does not seek to increase the communication distance and accepts the invasion of personal space, then, most likely, sympathies are mutual.
But given that each person is jealous of the boundaries of his intimate zone, violating them, even with the best intentions, can lead to conflict.
Personal space in relationships
When people enter into close relationships, this in itself presupposes both mutual sympathy and a reduction in the communication distance. There are not so many people whom we allow into our intimate zone, but they, as it were, become part of our personal space. And if someone stranger comes too close to our partner, it causes us a negative reaction, as if encroaching on our property. It doesn’t sound right, but you can’t command feelings, can you? Therefore, such a reaction is quite natural.
However, in relations with a loved one, one should respect his personal space, the opportunity to be alone from time to time. Moreover, this concept of “personal space” is related not only to a specific territory.
Having met a person close to us, having entered into a relationship with him, we strive to become a part of his life, and, preferably, the most significant part. But this seemingly natural desire runs into a serious problem – the other person is not always ready to let us into his soul. He seeks to preserve intimate corners in it, where other, albeit close people, are prohibited from entering. And we understand that we also have the same corners where the most cherished dreams and desires, the most personal memories are kept. And we are not ready to share all this with anyone. And it is right.
Mental personal space is a kind of intimate zone in our consciousness. Admitting a stranger there, we become vulnerable to him, because he will know all our weaknesses, pain points, secret desires, which we do not always want to admit to ourselves. Therefore, if we want to maintain good relations with a partner, we should not go into his soul.
The mental personal space also includes the sphere of our “I” – a set of traits, characteristics, features that are inherent only in us and determine the uniqueness of our personality. Each person cherishes these qualities (even if they are not too positive) as the greatest value. After all, what could be worse than the loss of one’s own “I”, depersonalization, loss of uniqueness?
Unfortunately, it often happens that we, sincerely caring about a partner, about the safety of our relationship, try to remake him. We want him to get better, right? As good as the intentions are, they are wrong and can ruin a relationship. Even a small child instinctively resists violence against his personality. But parents also want good. What can we say about an adult.
You fell in love with a person, entered into a relationship with him, which means that you like him. So let him remain himself, do not reshape him in his own way or do not seek to make him “like everyone else”. This invasion of the intimate area is the most damaging to a relationship.
Respect for the personal space of a communication partner is one of the most important conditions for a successful relationship with him. Yes, there are manipulators among people, and some of them are quite successful. They manage to violate the personal space of their interlocutors with impunity and even encourage them to act according to their plan. But no one likes such people, they are avoided and only make contact as a last resort. I don’t think such a fate is attractive.
