There is a lot of talk about interdependence now, and I can say that this concept is often abused, waving under one comb any manifestation of strong uncontrolled emotions in relationships. After all, until recently, the absorption of feelings for another person was called either great love, or passion, or obsession, at worst… At all times, works of art were created on the wave of strong admiration for someone or on the sublimation of love suffering. After all, you will not call any masterpiece of world importance “the fruit of the interdependent state”, or define the classic plot as interdependent behavior! In general, I do not want to stigmatize this (now popular) word all in a row: bright passion, conflicting relationships, undivided love, distance relationships, non-standard distribution of funds in the family and everything else that does not fit into the bourgeois notions of quiet family happiness. Each of these phenomena may be part of an interdependent relationship, but may not be.
The term “interdependence” refers to a very specific symptom complex, which describes the characteristics of a person prone to persistent states of painful dependence on a particular person (usually suffering from any kind of dependence) or relationship with him. Thus, an attempt is made to define oneself as a person by the need of another person, behind which there is a pathological feeling of “shame of the underprivileged.” Interdependence necessarily involves compulsive actions in order to control the behavior of others, as well as their own feelings.
I will not argue that this phenomenon is so common today that some even call addiction the plague of the 21st century… (however, I doubt that it was less before!) It is extremely rare to meet a person completely free from addictive behavior. In order to understand this issue and diagnose a tendency to interdependence, I offer a list of symptoms that are most characteristic of interdependent relationships.
- You often consciously (or involuntarily) manipulate your partner in order to get what you want. It is difficult for you to ask and speak directly about what you want, and without receiving it, you feel offended.
- It’s really hard for you to accept the fact that your partner may have plans and intentions that are different from yours. You don’t understand how you can love something you don’t like and enjoy things you think are unworthy of attention.
- You do not enjoy this relationship, sometimes you even suffer and suffer, but you still hope that everything will get better. The very thought of parting terrifies you, and you think you haven’t tried everything to improve the situation.
- You are scared to talk about your feelings to your partner, especially about the experiences of humiliation, pain, despair (although this is often exactly what you feel next to him). However, it is even harder to say about your love – because in this case you seem to have “lost”.
- You are ready to sacrifice your interests, pleasures, even needs in order to maintain a “good relationship”. You are afraid to upset your partner, and you are left alone with your repressed anger, which is usually deeply suppressed.
- It always seems to you that you are more interested in this relationship than your partner. From time to time you have strong outbursts of anger, in the wake of which you are ready to break this relationship. However, after a while, you become even more afraid of losing your partner, and you blame yourself for “stupidity” and are ready to make amends.
- Sometimes it seems to you that if you do not invest in the relationship, they will come to naught, and if something goes wrong, it is also the result of your mistakes. And, at the same time, you involuntarily blame your partner for his own misfortune, especially in the phase of anger.
- You tend to compare your not very harmonious relationship with even more dysfunctional ones: “everything is not so bad here”, “well, it doesn’t hurt”, “it doesn’t require so much money” – and so on.
- You admit (at least in your mind!) About committing suicide on the basis of unrequited love. This also includes less radical forms of self-destruction: go to a monastery, sleep, squander property, sink to the bottom.
- Because of your relationship, your job, career, reputation or other important relationships suffer: with children, family and friends, with friends.
- There are two opposite phases in your relationship: “everything is good” and “everything is bad”. The same can be said about your partner – he is the offspring of hell, the lamb of God.
- You believe in the possibility of changing your partner for his own or your common good. The hope for this is very strong, but sometimes there are moments of despair. And then you usually start a quarrel with accusations and blackmail.
- You often feel ashamed of your partner, but do not really want to admit it to yourself.
- You allow the possibility of sex without your desire, so as not to offend your partner and not to harm the relationship. You understand what it means to use sex for intimacy.
- You may lose control of yourself during a conflict, or even hit your partner. It is also difficult for you to stop after a conflict, and you remember old images to thicken the drama.
- It is difficult for you to be alone, you experience vague anxiety, often mixed with shame.
- You feel abandoned when your partner spends time with friends or other important people in his life, jealous of his work or hobbies. You often have an irrational fear that one day he will not return.
- Most decisions in your relationship are made by your partner, including you. You are ready to change your appearance, occupation, manners to continue to like him (or her).
If you recognize yourself in any of the descriptions, do not be upset. I think that you can diagnose yourself as “interdependent” only if at least five points match. If what is written above is surprising, then you are a normal, “fed” love child. And if a lot of people respond somewhere far away, as in a past life, causing a weak deaf pain, then most likely you have managed to recover from interdependence or you are on the way to it.
