Envy is one of the ambiguous feelings of a person. On the one hand, it is classified as a sins and is considered as a factor that inhibits the development of personality and depressing the state of a person. But on the other hand, envy can become a powerful motivational stimulus, then a person is not poisoned by his own “poison”, but inexorably moves forward, trying to achieve what is the object of envy. What is envy? And what impact does it have more often? Is it possible to envy in a good way, the so-called white envy? Or should any envy be rooted out? Let’s figure it out.
What is envy
Envy is a product of the inner world of the envious person. Other people have absolutely nothing to do with it, they are busy with their own affairs and problems. Those whom we envy may not even know about our existence, and even more so they did not want to cause this envy (in any case, it was with us). Why do we envy, how it relates to our inner world:
- Jealousy is often intertwined with greed, anger, and jealousy. But all together they are rooted in the past or childhood.
- Envy is characteristic of unfulfilled, unloved, unhappy people.
- An envious person will always find something or someone to envy. Because he always feels unhappy, unrecognized, unloved. And he thinks that if he had “this and that” and he would certainly be understood, noticed, recognized, loved.
Envy is an emotion that each of us has experienced for ourselves. Repeated often, it becomes a character trait or personality orientation. Then the person is called envious. But not all people are like that.
The composition of envy depends on what exactly we paid attention to: the result of an activity or a process, a person’s actions. In the second case, “white envy” arises more often. This is a complex of joy and pride in a person, admiration for his skills and abilities, and much less regret about his own lost opportunities. For example, older people may, in such a context, be jealous of the young and energetic.
If we are amazed at the result, then more often there is “black envy” and a desire to surpass this result (perhaps in any way). There is a third option – envy, accompanied by resentment and annoyance, wishes of misfortune to this person. She also belongs to the “black”.
Envy forms the following character traits:
- bragging (including with elements of lies and exaggeration);
- fear of failure and inadequacy;
- belittling (within the framework of one’s interpretation) the achievements of the object of envy (exaggerating oneself against this background, “let them envy me” and manifestation of malevolence);
- exaggeration of other people’s successes;
- desire to start to envy (ostentatious actions for the sake of envy).
These personality traits of the envious person are most noticeable in communication. In interpersonal relationships, the difference between “white” and “black” envy is also clearly visible. In the first case, a person wants to elevate himself and develop, to have the same as the object of envy. In the second case – to humiliate the object of envy and deprive him of the object of envy. If “white” envy promotes personal development, then “black” envy hinders it and makes it degrade.
Envy and subconsciousness, consciousness
Envy grows out of self-deprecation. But where self-abasement grows from is the main question that needs to be resolved. Envy is an admission of one’s own powerlessness and failure. That is why people are so afraid to admit it even to themselves. Strong and self-confident people with adequate self-esteem are almost unfamiliar with the concept of envy. Is that in relation to them.
The rejection of the very thought of envy, and even more so of its reasons, is the most popular and simplest defense mechanism of our psyche. But you have to fight it if you want to get rid of envy. In addition to denial, popular are the mechanisms of mythologization (recognition of superpowers in someone or something) and self-justification of oneself due to this, rationalization (belittling the achievements of the object of envy).
Consciously envy is balanced by pride in one’s actions. As long as pride outweighs, we admire other people, but do not envy them. If we have nothing to be proud of, and before our eyes someone’s successes, then self-humiliation and envy come. Envy is a recognition and reaction to one’s own failure.
Stages of development of envy
How does the formation of envy take place from the standpoint of psychoanalysis? In several stages.
- Idealization, that is, the exaggeration of something positive and the understatement of the negative in a person. The same is true for strengths and weaknesses, strengths and weaknesses, defeats and victories. In general, anything. Idealization is a distorted perception of another person. The envious person, as it were, appropriates other people’s shortcomings and gets rid of his own merits, endowing them with the object of envy. It is worth understanding and realizing this, starting to behave emotionally in the opposite way, and envy will begin to disintegrate.
- Self-humiliation, complete self-depreciation and harm to the object of envy. A person, sometimes without realizing it, by his own emotional behavior begins to provoke an opponent. A state akin to paranoia develops. In the form when a person tries to drive out of himself hatred of himself and, as a result, hates the one he envies.
Thus, at first, a person absorbs the negative traits and failures of the object of envy, endows him with his own merits, devalues himself. And later, being annoyed and offended by this, he projects back on him full of flaws. As a result, a person devotes so much energy to his experiences that he is completely absorbed in hatred and is incapable of productive actions.
How to stop being jealous
- First of all, admit this feeling to yourself. Acknowledge and accept that you are jealous.
- Think of jealousy as a guide to the world of your inner problems. It indicates sore and imperfect points, unmet needs, hidden desires, the true “I”.
- Focus on what you have. Write down all your benefits, successes, dignity. All that you have and that someone could also envy. Yes, you don’t have your own home yet, but you have an amazing partner and great understanding in a relationship. Yes, you didn’t take a leadership position by quitting, but you didn’t give up your dream and are doing what you love.
- You can always find someone stronger, smarter, more interesting, or at least equal in strength, but slightly more successful in one single case. This is not necessarily a person from the present. Envy knows no boundaries. You can envy the heroes of books, and real historical figures, and the whole people of another era. Realize this. Don’t you find such a scale destructive?
- Our psyche is designed in such a way that it can always find someone better than us and someone worse, especially if we are prone to envy. This is how a person is made. Our needs and requests tend to grow. If life is aimless, then this process will be chaotic. Specify the trajectory of your movement.
- Have a clear system of ideas about your life: values, meanings, priorities, goals. We envy what matters to us but is not ours. Refocus your attention, direct your energy not to living the envy and curse of an unsuspecting person, but to achieving the goal. Make the object of envy your goal and go for it. In fact, this is good envy, or envy-motivation.
- The second option is to devalue what you don’t have. Think: is it really important and meaningful for you to acquire the object of envy? Having it, will you really become the happiest person at the same moment? Unlikely. The real reason is deeper. Until you solve it, you will find more and more reasons for envy.
- Comparing oneself with others, that is, self-esteem, is another reason for the development of envy. People with inadequate self-esteem are more prone to envy. Learn to compare yourself to yourself and you will find harmony.
- If you are busy with your self-realization, then you have no time to look at other people. Take care of yourself. Find your path and follow it. Find a hobby, become a good professional, start a family, constantly develop, set goals and go to them. Then you will have no time to look around, let alone envy.
- In the end, think: why do you need something that you envy? To make it simple? It won’t do. The desired subject should benefit you, positively influence development (physical, mental, emotional, personal). And how does the subject of envy apply to your life? Will it be as appropriate and beneficial as in the life of the object of envy? If you think about these questions, then it often turns out that, for example, an army of friends and world fame are not so needed, but two reliable friends are needed next to each other. And if you take a closer look, it turns out that they already exist.
Envy cannot be eradicated altogether, but it can be managed and left as an emotion, not a character trait. To regulate envy, you need to learn to be content with a certain amount of something. No, not to be content with little, although (some have such a norm), but to establish a “ceiling” in every area of life. This is the level of benefits that will be enough for you. The fact is that, having no boundaries, you will always feel deprived, offended, dissatisfied.
Write down on a piece of paper the areas that are significant to you, under what benefits you will be happy in love, family, finances, work, life, personal development. Of course, it is natural for a person to change and grow, therefore you can shift these bars in accordance with your inner world. But you can move only after reaching the previous line and when comparing the goal and real possibilities.
The border method can be applied in every, even insignificant, case. It is easier for our brain to achieve what it wants if small goals are set. For example, do not lose weight by 30 kg, but lose weight by 5, then another 5. This increases our motivation, self-confidence and self-esteem.
So, you can regulate envy with the help of:
- acceptance of ourselves and what we cannot change;
- correction of what we can change;
- achieving the desired;
- devaluation of the object of envy;
- endowing the value of existing goods.
We do not envy anything in particular, we envy the fact that a person is happy, successful, loving, self-sufficient, prosperous. But everyone can be happy.
