“Selfishness does not mean living the way you want it, it’s a requirement for others to live the way you want it,” – Oscar Wilde.
If you are forced to go somewhere, but it threatens your health (physical or mental), and in the end you made the decision to refuse, then this is healthy selfishness (it should be). But if you forbid your friend to go to the meeting he wants, as it will make you calmer, this is selfishness that you need to fight.
What is selfishness
Selfishness is a style of human behavior based on extracting one’s own benefit from everything and satisfying only one’s own interests, contrary to the interests and desires of other people. There is a concept of reasonable egoism and unreasonable.
- Reasonable selfishness is necessary for survival, building your own life and career. More often found in a group of people, for example, in a family. Blood ties are immensely powerful, especially in light of stereotypes. It is believed that relatives must be helped (morally and financially). But whether this should be done to the detriment of your health and condition, the standard of living of your own family (spouse and children) is a question of filling. Everyone will answer in their own way, but I believe that reasonable egoism is vital for a person. Selfishness helps to achieve the goal of your own life.
- In the case when a person is categorical in any trifles, is not able to make compromises and concessions, makes everyone “dance to their tune”, unhealthy egoism is observed. This is a negative trait that destroys family, friendships and professional relationships. Communication with such a person is difficult and is accompanied by many conflicts.
Reasonable egoism can be described as “I don’t touch you, and you don’t touch me,” that is, a person goes to his goal, but does not interfere with others either. Unhealthy egoism makes you “go over your heads”, destroy people’s plans, and plot. Makes a person angry and cynical.
“It is obvious that by nature, everyone is dear to himself,” – Cicero.
The concept of selfishness is closely related to the term “individualism”. Let’s consider this concept in a broad sense. Modern society is built on the idea of individuality, self-development, self-actualization, which cannot be said about the past years of communism. Then almost all goals were common, and therefore little was said about egoism. Moreover, he was categorically rejected by society. Today it is encouraged to think about yourself first of all. Perhaps the growing personal egoism in modern people is the cost of changing the socio-economic situation of the country. There is a suspicion that selfishness is really necessary (in reasonable quantities) in order to survive, provide and protect yourself and your family (wife / husband, children).
Types and forms of unhealthy selfishness
- Dictatorial selfishness, or “everyone should serve my interests.”
- Selfishness of one’s own exclusivity, or “everyone should be moralists, except me, if it is not beneficial to me.”
- Anarchic egoism, or “everyone has the right to be selfish, to pursue their interests whenever they please.”
In my opinion, few people in the modern world take the latter form for selfishness. The second is called “double standards” and has long been accustomed to it. But the first type of egoism never goes unnoticed and is unacceptable even for a society of individualists.
Among the forms of selfishness, one can distinguish superegoism and selfishness-self-destruction:
- The motto of the first: “I am everything, the rest are nothing.”
- The motto of the second: “Look, what a nonentity I am.”
Sometimes selfishness is mistakenly identified with self-centeredness or considered a form of selfishness. This is not true. Egocentrism (inability to understand the situation of other people) is a completely different topic.
Characteristics of a selfish person
Selfishness is associated with irresponsibility, deception and indifference. If we look at the problem on a large scale, then what can we say about the egoist (except that he achieves his goals to the detriment and detriment of the interests of other people)?
- He is loud and conflicted.
- He has a poorly developed system of values and principles, conscience, a sense of duty and self-esteem.
- He is frivolous and often lazy, careless, ignorant of rules and responsibilities.
- He will not intervene in a fight or conflict, which he will witness (even if children fight, offend animals).
- He will not be confused by the unkempt appearance of the interlocutor, he may not even notice it.
- He will not be embarrassed by the mess in the room (he is used to the mess, because he has one inside).
- He ignores any advice, including really useful and benevolent ones.
- He ignores the demands.
- It is difficult for him to engage in activities that require conscientiousness, responsibility, honed skills and abilities. He doesn’t like this job.
- He does not know how to empathize and does not differ in empathy.
- He does not know how to communicate and rationally resolve conflicts.
Getting rid of unhealthy selfishness
“After all, I just want everything to always be my way,” – Bernard Shaw.
What to do if selfishness is so deeply ingrained in you that because of it there is nothing to defend, because there is no work, no friends, no family, no self-love? PS Yes, do not be surprised selfishness and self-love are not identical concepts.
- Stop reproaching yourself for selfishness and consider it your sin or vice. Don’t get hung up on the idea of getting rid of it. Do not rush between “selfishness is needed, this is good” and “selfishness is not needed, this is bad.” Selfishness is good in reasonable quantities, it needs to be controlled, not destroyed. More precisely, we are even talking about the development of love for oneself and others, self-acceptance. It is natural for a person to transfer his qualities or attitude to himself to other people. He who loves himself is capable of loving others. Whoever does not love others, probably also hates himself, and therefore acts selfishly (E. Fromm).
- What is love for another and for oneself (acceptance of others and oneself)? This is confidence in one’s own life, awareness of its meaning, acceptance of responsibility, care and respect, knowledge of oneself and others. You need to cultivate these qualities in yourself.
- Don’t be manipulated and don’t do it yourself.
- Take care of your life, don’t let it rob you of your individuality. Learn to appreciate the life, freedom and personality of each person. Develop tolerance.
- Improve communication and communication skills. Learn conflict-free communication.
- Study your psychological characteristics (temperament, character, abilities) and learn to understand other people. An egoist, as a rule, does not know his own capabilities and does not see his own potential. From which the higher needs remain undeveloped and undeveloped (self-realization, self-actualization), attention is focused on the lower needs (material goods and security). Higher needs allow a person to assert themselves, self-develop and at the same time help other people.
- Expand your attention span. Learn to think big. Selfishness, that is, petty attempts at self-assertion at the expense of others, is a consequence of not understanding the missing link for full-fledged personal self-realization and harmony. You’ve noticed that charity and generous tips are an integral part of the life of successful people. No, they do not crave public attention on this (not all). This is their new need, which came with harmony and self-actualization. It’s not only about the “stars”, these people live among us, “mere mortals”.
- Learn to respect and value yourself, accept and love yourself, adjust your self-esteem, cultivate self-esteem. By the way, a worthy person will not allow himself to offend others, infringe on their interests and ruin their lives.
- Well-known psychologists of the past and present argue that an inferiority complex is often hidden behind egoism. Moreover, he is not always realized by the person himself. Understand yourself, visit a psychologist.
- Remember the portrait of an egoist described in the previous paragraph of the article, and act on the contrary. That is, destroy or correct what is applicable to you.
Sharing the position of the German psychologist Erich Fromm, I will say that the means of getting rid of selfishness is a productive life, full of creativity and action. Striving to live and create, you yourself will not notice how friends will surround you instead of enemies, and successes and opportunities instead of failures and limitations.
In any invention, work of art, song, product of production there is a share of selfishness, moreover, a considerable one. But this is the same healthy egoism mixed with altruism, the golden mean. You will receive recognition, self-satisfaction and income, and society a useful product. Everyone is happy, no one considers anyone an egoist.
Conclusion
Selfishness is an echo of the instinct of self-preservation, therefore it is inherent in all mentally healthy people (this is confirmed by many studies of psychologists, sociologists and psychoanalysts). Based on this position, I dare to assert that unhealthy egoism is a consequence of self-doubt, an absent sense of security, fears, low self-esteem, and self-acceptance. The more often you have to defend yourself, the more selfishness develops as a character trait. What or who are you protecting from?
- Selfishness is a philosophy of life, a person’s worldview, an inner world, expressed in words and actions.
- How to get rid of selfishness? Change your worldview, understand your inner world.
- Selfish people are not born – they become.
- Dig into yourself and answer the question: who or what made you this way?
- Then the problems need to be solved as they are “digged out”, step by step.
Don’t forget about the other side of the coin – altruism and heroism. This is also abnormal behavior, in which not other people’s interests, but yours and those of your loved ones will be threatened. Creating something for society, self-realization in love and profession is the best option. Normal behavior in the context of “selfishness-altruism” is to do something well and with pleasure for the benefit of oneself and society.
“If we want to help something to any cause, it must first become our own, selfish business,” – Friedrich Engels.
