Trust and mutual respect are the foundation of human relationships. But interaction is impossible without contradictions, disagreements, self-knowledge and cognition of a partner, which sometimes occurs against the background of resentment. Forgiving is a mature personality. But the ability to apologize is equally important.
Why ask for forgiveness
The mature person should be held accountable for their actions. And asking for forgiveness is a demonstration of this skill. In addition, it shows a respectful attitude towards a partner, recognition of his feelings, an understanding of his position, a desire to preserve the relationship, the significance of the relationship for the individual.
However, even among adults, there are those who cannot squeeze an apology out of themselves or they do it ridiculously. “I didn’t mean it” sounds like “What’s stuck? I’m out of business here at all. ” But “I didn’t know that, I’m sorry, now I understand you” sounds much better. Although this is not the best form of forgiveness (read about this in the third section of the article).
Reasons why people find it difficult to ask for forgiveness:
- narcissism, arrogance, self-centeredness;
- cowardice, indecision;
- lack of self-confidence (fear interferes with speaking even kind words);
- inability to admit mistakes, to lose;
- overestimated self-esteem, a god complex;
- protest and opposition comes from childhood.
Sometimes the need to ask for forgiveness automatically causes irritation and negativity, humiliating feelings. This happens when in childhood a child was subjected to punishment and threats, when he was forced to ask for forgiveness, without understanding the situation. Some parents introduce their children to social norms in this way, to achieve self-respect.
Kinds of apologies
There is a motive behind every apology, a purpose. According to this, there are 6 types of apologies:
- Reassuring apology (“just don’t be angry”). The person asks for forgiveness in order to neutralize the opponent’s anger. Moreover, he apologizes even before he is exposed. This apology does not mean anything, the person does not repent of it.
- Apologizing as self-defense. A person asks for forgiveness for the sake of self-preservation, under the influence of the public or an authority figure. This is often used by public figures or criminals, hoping for a pardon. Moreover, those who demanded an apology feel satisfied. But the person himself does not stop thinking differently, which means that he can repeat what he did.
- An insult apology. “I didn’t know it would offend you,” “I didn’t think you would be offended,” and so on. That is, the person reports that he has not done anything wrong, these are the “cockroaches” of the interlocutor. But if the interlocutor is sure that he was offended, then so be it, the offender will apologize.
- Guilt apologies. Some people ask for forgiveness only in critical situations: a loved one left, a friend fell ill, someone died. If they understand that they have made a great contribution to the breakdown of the relationship, the deterioration of someone’s health, then their conscience torments them. They ask forgiveness in order to forgive “sins.”
- A polite apology. Occurs with moderate or excessive tact, victim syndrome. A person apologizes at every step in order to avoid conflict, to get approval. Sometimes it turns into servility.
The last type is a sincere apology. This is the only view without hidden connotations. It arises with a good attitude towards a person, love and care. Anyone who apologizes, puts himself in the place of a significant person, understands his point of view and feelings, and therefore seeks to improve relations, return a positive atmosphere. Such an apology brings people closer together, develops relationships and their participants.
How to apologize correctly
There is only one correct apology – sincere. And it is enough for this to say three words – “forgive me, please.” You can expand the wording and articulate a fact, an act for which a person is ready to be held accountable.
In general terms, the apology formula looks like this:
- Clear wording: “forgive me.”
- Regret: “I am sorry that … (the reason for the offense).”
- Admission of guilt, responsibility, violation of norms or someone’s boundaries (description of facts, their vision of the situation, actions).
- Empathy: vocalizing the feelings and emotions of a partner in the context of “I can only guess how you …”.
- Asking for forgiveness (do not demand an answer, express your willingness to wait, to be forgiven someday).
It’s important that you want to apologize, not feel like you should. Then it will be easier to sympathize, and the right words will come to mind on their own. If you can additionally correct the situation with actions, then do it.
Any particle like “if”, “but” indicates insincerity: “Sorry if I offended you”, “Forgive me, but I think differently.” They show the speaker’s uncertainty that he really understood the situation, admitted guilt and repented. The same effect is produced by accusations against the partner: “I did it because you…”, “and you…” and so on.
And even the phrases “I’m sorry” (“I’m sorry”) and “I’m sorry” have completely different meanings. In the first case, we talk about our feelings, in the second, we recognize the importance of the opponent’s feelings. The first apology is often formal, the second is sincere. In the first case, we do not give the person a choice; in the second, we expose ourselves as if to the court (our apologies may not be accepted).
An apology that addresses the feelings of the offended person, not the offender, will be convincing and effective. You need to understand the feelings and needs of your partner, concentrate on improving his well-being, not ours. After all, we will automatically feel better if the apology is accepted. But they will be accepted only if they sound convincing and correspond to the actual state of the person.
