Erich Fromm – German psychologist, psychoanalyst, sociologist, philosopher. Known for the humanistic theory of personality development and the theory of love. Although these are not the only questions to which the scientist devoted his research. But the theory of love deserves special attention, since it affects all aspects of this phenomenon: love for parents, a person of the opposite sex, oneself, life.
The main provisions of the theory
In 1956, Erich Fromm published the book The Art of Love, where he detailed his theory. According to the author, love is the same art as music and painting. Love, like any other activity, needs to be learned. It should be a conscious process. Like any business, love requires not only theoretical assimilation of knowledge, but also practice. The result of combining theory and practice is intuition, or skill. Love requires constant work of a person on himself, dedication. Only by completely freeing thoughts and feelings can you truly love.
Fromm differentiated the ability to love into two categories: to love another and to be loved. Moreover, he called the first form healthy love, and the second unhealthy. Wanting to love is a trait of a mature and healthy personality. Wanting to be loved is a trait of an immature and unhealthy personality.
In addition, the psychologist named two more differences between mature and immature love:
- “I love because I love” – immature, childish love. “I love because I love” is mature love.
- “I love you because I need you” is the motto of immature love. Her confession sounds like “I need you.” “I need you because I love you” is a declaration of healthy love.
Immature love, or symbiotic union, as Fromm called it, the author divided into two types:
- Masochism. This is a passive form of unhealthy love, in which one of the participants cannot stand loneliness and isolation, and therefore allows the other participant to completely control him. The controller directs, directs, protects. The masochist overestimates the strength of the other person and makes himself an integral part of him. A masochist is never alone, but he is never independent. He devalues himself.
- Sadism. The sadist also tries to get away from loneliness and solitude with himself, and therefore makes another an integral part of himself. He absorbs the strength of the person who bows down to him, obeys.
Among modern psychoanalysts, the theme of healthy and neurotic love is developed by M. Ye. Litvak. On the basis of Fromm’s theory, he put forward his theory. But the author did not begin to develop his own definition of healthy love. Litvak uses Fromm’s definition: “Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.”
How to learn to love
In pursuit of immature love, people rely on external attractiveness, wealth and prestige. Men more often focus on luck and wealth, and women – on appearance (figure, clothing).
But we’ll talk about how to achieve healthy love. To do this, we will use the provisions of Fromm’s theory. So, how to develop the ability to love:
- Recognize and understand your individuality and uniqueness, accept yourself. Be yourself no matter what happens. Don’t try to please others.
- Get rid of dependencies and projections. Accept the individuality of another person, not project your thoughts, feelings, desires onto him. Listen, understand and accept the other person.
- Be able to be alone, relax or go about your business without the care and presence of another person.
- Be able to give. But don’t confuse this with sacrifice. In this case, it’s about sharing what you have a lot. And thereby multiply what you give. Happiness, inspiration, warmth, interests, knowledge, energy – all this multiplies when we sincerely share it with others.
- Create. Unite yourself and the outside world, transformable material.
- Grow and develop. The development of the ability to love is impossible without the general development of the personality.
- Free yourself from narcissism and unhealthy attachment to mother or father. A mature person contains an image of parents within himself, knows how to manage it and use it for his own good.
The ability to love develops in a person. Its development is possible without an object of love. The presence of an object without a corresponding inner ability, on the contrary, can cause a desire to be loved or fall in love with oneself. Love is a personal feeling that each person experiences for himself, within himself.
Qualities that help to love
One theory, compliance with the rules from the previous paragraph is not enough. The following qualities will help you learn the art of love in practice:
- discipline (teaching love does not depend on a person’s mood);
- self-control;
- patience (there will be no quick results);
- interest (aka motivation);
- concentration (the ability to do one thing at a time, to live according to the principle “here and now”);
- humility (maintain objectivity, be able to admit mistakes, control emotions).
Faith is also important for the successful mastering of the art of love – certainty and firmness in beliefs. But it can be rational and irrational. Rational belief is a person’s personal experience, thoughts, feelings, that is, belief in oneself. In Fromm’s theory, faith is perceived as a quality of a person, and not as a belief in something. Fromm called belief in something (idea, authority) an irrational belief.
Self-belief is the basis of the self-worth of a person. If there is no faith in oneself, then a person becomes vulnerable to external influences, manipulations. It depends on someone else’s opinion and approval. Often such people find themselves in neurotic, dependent relationships. And when a person believes in himself, then he certainly will not become a victim of a scammer. Moreover, a person who believes in himself, believes in other people, their potential. And this is an essential element of the ability to love.
Types of love
E. Fromm believed that love is an attitude, an orientation of a person. Objects of love can be different, on the basis of which Fromm proposed a classification of types of love:
- Brotherly love. The foundation of any other kind of love. Brotherly love consists of caring, responsibility, respect, understanding and acceptance of another living being, the desire to prolong his life. This is equal love. Can be directed to several objects at once.
- Mother’s love. Unconditional love for a helpless being. Can have several objects of love at once.
- Erotic love. Aims at one object only. Its basis is unity and complete merging with one person. This is a form of preferred love. And in this it differs from brotherly or motherly.
- Self-love. To love other people and love them equally, you need to love yourself. In this case, we are not talking about selfishness. On the contrary, the egoist loves no one, including himself.
- Love for God. Its basis is the need for unity and belonging. Fromm understood the love of God as the self-development of the individual, the search for oneself, the passage of the path from unconditional love to a conscious choice. Fromm did not support blind idolatry.
In addition to these types, Fromm was the first to determine the difference between paternal and maternal love. He called maternal love unconditional. The mother loves the child for his very existence. But fatherly love must be earned. Fathers love children because they have met their expectations, are like them, meet the requirements, fulfill the responsibilities.
The task of each person is to develop as a person and to unite within himself paternal and maternal love into one consistent ability to love. A mature person unconditionally loves himself and at the same time loves conditionally for what meets his expectations. But mind you, yours! And they may differ from the primary requirements on the part of the father.
What is love?
In conclusion, I would like to supplement Fromm’s definition and say that love is not only interest in the life and development of the object of love, but also interest in one’s own development, endless knowledge of oneself and the object of love.
According to Fromm, love is not a sentimental feeling available to everyone. Love is the result of conscious work on oneself, an indicator of personal maturity. A person who knows how to love can get along with any person. After all, he constantly learns himself and others, knows how to overcome internal barriers. The desire and ability to love is more important and stronger than having an object of love.
The ability to love is a trait of mature and adult individuals. It is about the ability to take responsibility, make a conscious choice and be responsible for its consequences, be open to new things, learn, change your life and change yourself for the sake of realizing your personal abilities and opportunities.
Now remember what people usually call love, how they behave, how they confess their love. For the sake of clarity, consider teenage love or infantile couples dominated by jealousy, total control, and suppression. So is this love?
