The theory of the American psychologist and psychiatrist E. Berne reveals the specifics of the work of the human subconscious and the psyche, explains the origins of people’s actions and the reasons for different reactions to the same situations. According to the author’s theory, in every person there is a Child, an Adult and a Parent, or three “I’s,” three ego states. Any human interaction is a game of one of three characters. For mental well-being, the balance of the three Egos is important, but the role of the Adult is somewhat enhanced.
Brief essence of the theory
In the theory of transactional analysis, the unit of communication is transactions (stimulus and response). The Parent-Parent line is needed for casual conversations, gossip. Adult-Adult – work, business relationship. Child-Child – for feelings and love. When transactions coincide, communication takes a long time. Violation of transactions causes disagreements, conflicts and inadequate psychological interaction (custody, tyranny, manipulation, suppression, whims).
Child
Child – “I want”, “like”. There is no need to describe anything here, it is enough to recall the classic behavioral characteristics of children: true emotions are never hidden, they dictate words and actions. What else are kids doing? They are capricious, mischievous, cry, laugh, get scared, take offense. Their vocabulary differs in expressions:
- I want, I do not want;
- great;
- tired;
- when will it all end;
- to hell with it;
- I will never agree;
- I love you madly.
That is, the child is ruled by emotions and feelings, which are immediately reflected in behavior and communication. The child is responsible for spontaneity, ingenuity, charm (natural child), but at the same time it can be capricious, aggressive, rebellious, whiny, touchy (adaptive child).
Parent
Parent – “must”, “must not”. When the parent wakes up in us, then we take a position of “hands on hips”, point with a finger, express contempt or condescension with a smile. The gaze is heavy and directed downward. The sitting posture is relaxed, the body is slightly thrown back. The parent always defends his position, teaches others, considers himself exclusively right. The lexicon of such a person contains expressions:
- I will not tolerate this.
- You are completely wrong.
- Do as I said.
- You are required.
- It is forbidden.
- The fool understands.
- You can’t really do anything.
The parent always seeks to catch the opponent, to reveal contradictions in his judgments, to prove the speaker is wrong. He relies on the information that was received in childhood from the family and social environment: norms, requirements, prohibitions. “Do as I do, or do not as I do, but as I say,” is the parent’s position. He controls and cares. When a parent is completely blocked, a person becomes unprincipled, forgets about morality and rules of behavior.
Adult
Adult – “appropriate”, “useful”. Outwardly, a person with all his appearance makes it clear about concentration on the object and the topic of conversation: he leans forward with interest, looks directly at the object, his eyes are slightly widened or narrowed. Attention and interest are written on the face. The following expressions prevail:
- Probably, I didn’t put it right, since you didn’t understand me.
- Let’s discuss this.
- Please repeat one more time.
- How do you like this proposal.
In general, an adult he is an adult: he productively solves problem situations, reasoning sensibly. It is pleasant to deal with him, of course, for the same adult.
An adult is the most objective position. It does not depend on the script laid down in childhood. This is what man has learned himself. An adult acts on the “here and now” principle. Rationally solves an urgent problem. You can develop this role endlessly, all your life.
The complete blockage of an adult leads to an inability to respond to changes in the world. Human thinking is responsible for this role; it is a personal feature of collecting and analyzing information. The developed adult decides which stereotypes of the child and the parent in the current situation to turn off and which to turn on.
Examples of role mismatches
In life, the mismatch of roles is not uncommon, and therefore conflicts arise. Here’s how it might look in different areas.
Family
The husband from the position of an adult asks: “Darling, do you know where my tie is?” The wife from the position of a parent replies: “Where you left him. How small! “
In sales
From the perspective of an adult, the buyer asks: “How much does this dress cost?” The seller, irritated from the position of a parent, replies: “You have no eyes, can’t you see it yourself?”
At work
A young specialist asks for help from a colleague or a leader from the perspective of an adult: “Could you tell me which algorithm and program is better to use to solve this problem?” And in response he hears an irritated parent: “It’s high time to understand and know this yourself.”
In all three cases, an unprepared person who does not know the theory of roles will also begin to play the role of a parent. As a result, endless reproaches and claims will pour in from both sides. But if you learn how to conduct transactional analysis, to identify the positions of communication partners, then conflicts can be prevented in time.
How to use Berne’s theory in communication
When we are exhausted, excited, then turning to us from the perspective of an adult can be regarded as an attack on our inner child. And who stands up for the children? Right. Parents, but they inadvertently (or on purpose) offend children. So children and parents will fight until someone gets tired of it, or rather, until the body of one of the participants fails (hysterics, hypertension, fainting).
In general, the continuation of the story depends on the strength of the expression of each of the roles in the person. If the parent is weak, then the person will meet the reproach in silence, swallow and leave, complaining about the unhappy fate. This does not change the essence: the problem will remain unresolved.
If we imagine a visually formed group of communication participants (two adults, two parents, two children), then the head begins to ache from this bazaar. But the problem is that only adults who are not heard over the screams of parents and children can solve productively matters. As a result, the problem either remains unresolved, or is resolved after the scandal. But then why waste time on it? Isn’t it easier to answer your opponent correctly right away?
Conflicting, or rather, resolving disagreements, can and should be done from the perspective of adults. This is called a productive conflict, the goal of which is to get to know each other better, to understand and come to a common solution.
Psychological flexibility and the ability to outwardly obey will help in this. The bottom line is that you agree with the claim made to you, then compliment your opponent and repeat the request. In our example with a family, it may look like this: the husband will answer that he is really like a child, but his wife is smart, always knows where and what lies, neat, and, of course, will help him find a tie and teach him to maintain order.
This is not weakness, not humiliation of personal dignity (probably now a child who does not want to do this has spoken in you). This is a manifestation of the flexibility of the mind and psyche, the answer of an adult who is ready to quickly and constructively solve problematic issues. Flexibility implies the ability to easily and quickly rearrange between the internal roles of adult, child and parent. If this mobility is absent, then it is noted:
- the impotence of an adult under the dominance of a parent or child (I understood everything, but I could not do anything);
- indulgence of a parent with a child (for example, the satisfaction of their “want” against the background of a weak financial situation or celebration, loans for a wedding).
A flexible person knows how to be different:
- At work, give priority to the adult, and take the child to the last place.
- With friends in an informal setting or with a loved one alone, he will give free rein to his inner child.
- For the fulfillment of traditions, norms, a parent is needed.
It is very good if the partner also has this psychological flexibility. Well, if it doesn’t, then you already know how to deal with it. How to develop a dominant adult role:
- Learn to respond promptly to the first calls from a child or parent, do not make automatic decisions, learn to calm down and wait. Self-regulation will help in this.
- Train yourself to ask in moments of doubt: “Is it true?”, “Where did this thought, desire come from?”, “Is this acceptable in this case?”
- When in a bad mood, ask yourself what or who the inner child is upset about.
- Learn to portray your partner as an adult. To do this, it is enough to answer a couple of times according to the method described above, for example, to the boss who requires an impossible task and exclaims “You yourself figure out how to do it, in the end, what are you here for!”: “If I knew how to do this and could think as good as you, you would have been a boss for a long time, not a subordinate. So how do you do it? ” Yes, it is possible that you will receive a few more reproaches, but if you behave as well, then all that remains for the boss is to descend from the position of a parent to the position of an adult. So, in order to bring a partner to the position of an adult, you need to agree with his reproach, and then ask a question.
- Never look up and down. It is ideal to look eye to eye. This is the position of an adult. The parent looks from top to bottom, who, in Bern’s theory, always attacks, makes claims (although sometimes he takes care). It’s better to look a little from below (this is a child surrendering to the power of a partner), but behave like an adult.
Epilogue
What is the difference between a business constructive conflict and a destructive one? In a constructive way, people discuss contradictions and try to understand the opposite side for the sake of a common solution and clarification of the truth. In a destructive argument, people try to defend their point of view and win. But can you win? Are there any winners in a broken family, dismissal, or a fight? No. Each side will feel sorry for itself and be considered betrayed.
The inability to psychologically competently resolve conflicts, to be flexible in roles leads to the fact that relationships become chronically emotionally tense. As a result, they either disintegrate, or the participants earn psychosomatic diseases and neuroses. Berne’s theory is a useful basis for studying the problem of conflicts (in the family, at work, in any interpersonal interaction) and their solution.
